just a note - for myself mostly - about something I've just read. this relates back, generally, to my entry called 'boundaries'.

this girl apparently was drinking & then drove (with passengers) and crashed her car; she and one friend were injured but lived, while the other two friends in the car died. according to the article linked above, the girl, 18, refused to talk to police about the crash, but then wrote about what happened on her MySpace page (screenshot linked), including taking responsibility for what she did and apologizing to those who had been affected by the accident and the death of her friends.

this is not exactly a good example of what I pondered in boundaries since the whole incident - and aftermath - wasn't secret as far as who was involved, but it does relate to it in that this is a person writing online about something bad that she did and presumably confessing that she's to blame for the death of her two friends, even though she didn't do so with the police.

an excerpt (copied from the article linked above) of what was written on the MySpace page (now shut down) in question:


this also reminds me of the case a few years back of a girl who wrote in her online journal about how she wanted her mother to die and arranged for a couple of guys to kill the mom (which they did). I can't remember whether she wrote all the details there and/or if that's how she met the guys who did the deed, but the girl is in jail for arranging her mother's death, of course.

makes you wonder, doesn't it? do these kids really think their online journals & such are actually private, aside from their friends who know about it? do they think that whatever they write couldn't possibly come back to bite them in the arse one day? maybe they don't think about it; maybe such a possibility has never even occurred to them. I have a feeling that these days, probably one of the early things crime investigators do is search online for anything about the principles in any occurance. that's what I'd do anyway, if I were an investigator.

I think I'm not even going to go now where my mind is straying to at the moment, which is the thought that each of us should be very aware of the possible ways our personal information that we post online could be used by anyone who finds it. personally, I have far too much information online (in numerous and varied places, and including opinions I've posted in comments, forums, etc), to be comfortable with a deep consideration of this thought.

maybe I'll think about it another time.

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edit after the fact to add: apparently the original MySpace link I saw was incorrect, because that girl's page is still online here.

after I wrote this entry I decided to go looking to see if I could find any other information about this story (I'm curious/nosey like that). I found a ton of news articles, one of which published the correct MySpace link, so then I went there. from that MySpace page I followed some links to her friends' pages. they're all 18 and urging readers of their pages to learn the lesson now, not to drink & drive or ride with someone who'd been drinking (and sorry for noticing, but NONE of them can fucking spell or put a sentence together properly). I also saw the page of a paramedic who was at the scene and rode in the ambulance with the one kid who wasn't killed at the scene but died at hospital. she wrote that she couldn't get the image of this dying child out of her mind.

this whole thing is so tragic... what a waste. I read about things like this and feel helpless, enraged. I can only hope that I've taught my own children well about these kinds of circumstances. judging by the fact that my oldest risked my disapproval about a drinking party he wanted to go to by asking me to drive him & his friends to the party & then pick them up afterwards, I believe I have.

thank god. I hope it's stuck in there still, when he starts to drive on his own shortly.

I recently got a message from a stranger, via my yahoo 360 page; yes, I have one of those vile 360 things... only set up as a favour to a friend who'd just made one for himself, though I'm not quite sure how it did him any favours.

anyway, point is, I got this message recently from a guy who was wishing I was closer to him; he'd seen my pictures and thought I was WOW sexy, and apparently would like to be my slave so he can pamper, spoil and obey me.

call me crazy, but I was thinking...

... could I really go with it? of course, this person is like a billion miles away from me physically speaking, so it would all have to be internet-based, but have you ever heard of virtual toe-licking being successful, for instance? not that I have a fetish to have my toes licked, you understand, but I thought it might be kind of interesting to have such a slave available so I could order him into all sorts of interesting activities for my visual amusement.

this could really work! this type (yes, he IS a type, poor thing, though not the kind I'm doing right now) (get your minds out of the gutter please, I'm talking about how I'm doing the finger-type, on my laptop's keyboard).... anyway, this type will obviously have a webcam, and he'll be willing to do all sorts of things virtually so that I will give him what he craves. that craving would be - judging from the fact that he referred to himself indirectly as a slave - to serve me at my pleasure. it'd also have to be at my leisure, since I'm rather busy right now & would have to limit such activities somewhat.

actually, I think it could be quite interesting to get visual proof of the kind of services I would demand be performed for my pleasure. as I said, I'm not actually into having my toes licked (though I'd be wiling to allow it should someone offer), but just visualise some hunky, nekkid slave-type - with appropriate studded collar - on a webcam, licking slavishly, liquidly, at the bottom edge of his monitor as he simulates stimulation of my little tootsies. seriously, I can see it now.

what other services should I demand? I've always thought the sight of someone with pencils in their nostrils - put there specifically to amuse me, of course - while folding back their eyelids, sticking their tongue out and waggling it about would be fascinating (in an accident-you-can't-look-away-from sort of way). then too, a down-on-all-fours slave-puppy barking for my attention might be a bit fun. I'd hate to have to paper (or electronics) train though, so I'm not sure the dog thing is actually that practical. can you imagine how difficult it would be to replace every slave who fried himself after lifting a leg to pee and accidentally spraying the powerbar? still, a screenshot of the results would make a great desktop wallpaper, I'm sure.

other possibilities: serve me a virtual drink and sit at my feet to massage them (the feet keep coming up); massage my neck (though I wouldn't be able to see it, with my back turned to the monitor); perform a monologue from a play... better yet, perform the whole play, acting all the parts (gotta keep these slaves on their toes, after all); sing and play the guitar - take lessons while I watch, if he doesn't already possess those abilities; reply to all the emails I don't get to myself; send hokey forwards by the dozen (complete with five hundred old, forwarded addresses before the text) to the virtual people I like the least (from his own email address); deal with my clients for me, when they're being difficult (most of them are virtual too, so they won't know it's not me they're being demanding with); pay all my bills (with his own money, not mine); hey, I'm actually starting to like this idea! (and I haven't even gotten into the virtual sex possibilities!)

actually, if it all worked out, it might be worth meeting face-to-face with such a person. oops, I mean, such a slave. thinking about it further though, I don't believe I'd actually care much for having a real slave in my physical space - I'd have to be responsible for him, wouldn't I? but a virtual slave on call via the internet/webcam, performing those entertaining acts mentioned (and whatever else I could think of) might be a fun distraction from work during my breaks. sort of like having a personal Jerry Lewis performance, no? hmm... maybe not; Jerry Lewis got a bit scary looking in older age, and he was a bit too ridiculous in his younger days. Billy Crystal maybe (though he's getting a bit fat & wrinkly now). yeah, I could get into having a personal Billy Crystal slave (for the humour), so long as the slave was beautiful, built and properly subservient.

okay, so who thinks I should explore the possibilities with this person-cum-slave? the first thing I'd have to do though (much as I hate the idea), should I take him up on his offer, is punish him... he neglected to give me a way to reply to his message.

hmm. that might throw a bit of a crimp into the whole enterprise, actually.

pardon me, please. I don't usually censor myself; usually when I post something publicly I mean to leave it out there for all time.

I've just made an exception to that general rule though (I can do what I want here, after all): I deleted the last two entries. turns out they felt a bit too personal, for this particular blog. this blog is not supposed to be where I work out personal issues so much as just thoughts I'd like to dump & save for possible use another time. for instance, thoughts that I want to remember & perhaps expand upon in a different creative venue are what I want to keep here.

the last two posts were a bit too 'me-ish' for comfort, so I deleted them... but I've got them saved and if I ever change my mind I may re-post them with their original dates, so then they'd just fit back into the fabric of this blog. unfortunately I forgot to save the comments first so if I ever repost those entries they'll be without the original comments (poo, one of those actually sparked the last entry that I deleted, so now I've lost the URL of the commenter. sorry!). meantime, I'll do some quick-stitches to repair the hole the deletions left.


so, I've been thinking a lot lately. not so unusual eh? seems to be my thing, thinking. sometimes I think I think way too much; a friend recently has told me that I make things far too complicated with all my thinking. that's true, it does happen; but on the other hand, it's the way I understand the world & how it works, what everything means in my life. if I didn't think about things, I don't think I would ever truly understand certain parts of myself. hmm, though the jury's still out on whether I actually do understand certain parts of myself, or if I've just convinced myself that I do.

either way, that brings me back to the main thought here. recently I've been thinking about a literal interpretation of the idea that we each create our lives with our thoughts. I believe we do, that whatever we think becomes reality if we flesh it out so much that we believe the thought.

"We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make the world."

interesting, don't you think? considering that the word buddha literally means 'awakened', or 'that which has become aware' (and certainly Buddha himself was considered to be the enlightened one), I think the above statement could probably be taken as true, period. additionally, the teachings of the Buddha are called the Dharma (Pali: Dhamma). the Dharma teaches that all suffering arises from attachment, particularly attachment to worldly desires. Nirvana is achieved by learning to achieve peace and ignore the attachment one has to certain objects.

I have to agree with that. I've found that my greatest suffering comes when I am feeling attached to something or someone, and most especially when I'm feeling attached to what I might think should be the final outcome to a situation. attachment is a very big deal for me; I try to live without expectations, because they tend to create attachments to specific outcomes.

anyway, getting back to what I was thinking before I got going on the whole Buddha thing: what if we literally create our worlds with our thoughts? we'd have this whole planet of people all experiencing their unique & individual worlds, amongst each other. we do each create our own worlds, populating them with the characters and things we want (or need, somehow) in them, and we experience whatever we need to experience. okay, today I don't think I'll get into the whole concept of why we experience what we do, or why we need to experience it, but I do think that's how it goes.

my question about this, though, is: if we each create our own worlds, and the people in them, and the world as we know it ceases to exist if we change our world and/or die & the world dies with us... how do the people in our world still exist when we're gone?? the world - if there IS such a thing as only one world, considering we each create our own here - would be utter chaos with people disappearing & reappearing, sometimes they'd be bad (depending on how they'd treated people in one world) and sometimes they'd be good (depending on how someone else viewed them), and so on. there would definitely have to be some major rules in place, to run the external world. and how do babies fit into this? how do they emerge from the womb with their worlds already created? there's reincarnation, true... but then wouldn't they emerge with their old world still in place? hmm.. no, I suppose they'd emerge with whatever world they'd decided (between lives) to experience.

anyway, getting back to the thought about how people can still exist if even one person dies or gets rid of someone in their world... my grandpa died years ago when I was 5, and I definitely was in the world he created... how come I still exist & am in all these other peoples' worlds now/still? I don't get that part of it. or do I actually only exist in these other peoples' worlds because I created those people in my world, and made myself a part of the worlds they created? (now I'm getting a headache here, trying to sort this out... maybe that's just a shit concept, and untrue. it's something a friend said to me, that I exist in his world because he put me in it, something like that). oh... maybe I just exist, and anybody can put me in their world or take me out, but I'll still exist because I am.

er... what am I saying?? of course I exist! hahaha. I'm here writing in this blog. maybe it's you people reading this who don't actually exist, except in the world I've created for myself. hmm, though if that's true, how come I haven't created millions of readers for this blog?? okay, never mind this part of the whole thought/concept.

according to the main thought-concept, here we have a person (let's just stick to one, to illustrate) wandering around living and experiencing her own world that she's created, and interacting with other people who have also created their own worlds. how does it function without total chaos reigning? is there even one main world that all these individuals exist in, or is the one world only that world which our person created for herself? does she realize that she's created this world and can do anything in it? does she realize that she can create any person or experience that she wants? why is it that she's created all this crap (because it seems everyone experiences crap along the way) for herself to experience?

does this woman not realize that she's created all of her world for herself, or does she automatically create the good and the crap both because she's been programmed to do so? if that's the case, who or what programmed her in the first place? is she just a puppet for some other being to manipulate? if so, why does the other being do this? who or what IS the other being? is this other being greater than the woman, or is this being just another one like the woman, who only thinks s/he is the being that created the woman in his/her life? perhaps the being has actually been created by a totally separate third being. is there a God in all this? is that who the 'all-powerful, supreme being' - the one that started this whole mess - actually is?

hey... I think I've just proven that I AM THE GOD, the all-powerful, supreme being.

well really... I did create this whole mess just now, didn't I?

yes I did (I can prove it - just read everything above!). and now you have to do what I'm willing you to do, right at this very moment... go on... do it....